Night Before Christmas- Cape Breton's Eve

THE CAPE BRETON VERSION

'Twas the night before Christmas
in dis Caper house
and nuttin' was stirrin'
not even our mouse.

The rest of da family
was all fast asleep
wit' visions of two-fours
delivered by jeep.

Da pit socks was hung
by da chiminey wit care
in hopes dat Saint Nicolas
soon would be dere.

And in da far corner
it was lovely to see
the keiths cans and bingo dabbers
dat hung from da tree.

Ma home from the fish plant
and me out on parole
she was snuggled in bed
I was perched on da bowl.

He climbs outta da fireplace
and I takes a long look
he's just like they show him
in my coloring book.

With vodka-glazed eyes
and a stomach like a bubble
a five-day-old beard
and dere's soot on his stubble.

His teeth when he smiles
look like Grampa's weed saw
and he wore tennis shoes
big as grizzly bear's paws.

This old Caper elf
gives me nuttin' ta fear
as he heads for da kitchen
for cookies and beer.

He kills off a six pack
then belches and smirks
and reaches into the present sack
ready to work.

Now under da tree
he's starting to set
the most beautiful presents
us Capers can get.

Dere's a new bread maker
and snowblower for mother
a steel chainsaw
and some Gumboots for brother.

Some mud flaps, CB
a to do list of illegals
a helmut and nightshirt
dat say 'cape breton eagles'.

He closes up da sack
and he jumps in da coals
and hollering 'OUCH @#$%$#@"
up the chiminey he goes.

He grunted and groaned
as he tossed out his bag
and cracked such a beer fart
I'm starting to gag.

I must watch him leave
so I rushes outside
I looks up at da roof
while in the bushes I hide.

And what does I see
when I looks through da twigs?
A rusted old car body
pulled by eight pigs!

Santa jumped in
and he gave'em all hell
'Let's go all yous pigs
don't just sit there and smell!'

On Mushy and Lushy
and Lempy and Joe
and all a you's others
what names I don't f@#$#%^$# know.

Fly over Glace Bay
and turn to da right
we make Dominion, Reserve
before the end of this night.

Then I hear him exclaim
with a cynical sneer
'Pull in at dat Keiths sign
I run outta @#$%$#@ beer.'