HELP-The Cat is driving me nuts-

Somebody save me from this bewitching cat (actually Bitching Cat) is more accurate. Patches in her Halloween Outfit, but She really is a little witch. She is 16 years and 5 months old. I found her one night in the pouring rain around Halloween at the Lodge of which I was a member. Her whole routine is out to lunch as her Mommy is currently in Calgary on a Business Trip.

Her day consists of sleeping,pooping,farting, eating,complaining,sitting on your lap and Bacon. Anything that comes out of the Fridge is bacon to the Cat. For the past week, she has started to complain from first light to after lights out. The only time she is quiet is when she is eating. Nothing I do is what she wants. What she needs is her Mommy and her lap. Hopefully after tonight, when Mrs. Tarf comes back. Patches will setlle back into her old routine.

Because if it ever came down to a choice of which one of us would come or go. Patches would have my side of the bed as well.
I would be out sleeping in the car. Although no Cat. HMMMMMMMMMMM! Bananas

Kitty, Kitty, OHHHHHH Kittyyyyyyyyy

Your rudest and best shot. It must be printable and not overly vulgar.